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Why now?

My mom died. My mom died on my wedding day. Yes, you read that correctly. Well, the truth is she was taken off of life support the day after, but I did receive the phone call that she had "taken a turn for the worse" during my wedding reception. Now, you may be wondering why I did not cancel my wedding. That is a very valid question and one that I have thought about - frequently in fact. I did not cancel the wedding because she was not suppose to die. That was our deal. She had a heart attack the Monday prior to my wedding. She called me from the emergency room to let me know and she told me that she had to have a triple bypass surgery, but she was going to have my dad (not biological but the man I call Dad) bring her dress to the hospital and she would lay it over her and watch via Zoom or Facebook Live or whatever other arrangement we could make. Her procedure was Tuesday, I talked to her on Wednesday morning and by that evening her oxygen levels started to deteriorate and she was intubated. I spent the next days spinning, not sure what to do. Planes were already landing, guests were arriving, the money was spent and I wanted to get married! So, I kept moving forward. I got my nails done, hosted the rehearsal dinner, walked down the aisle, smiled and got married. Then the phone call came. My new husband walked over as I was having my last one sided conversation with my mom, as I told her I would be there as soon as I could, but if she had to leave it was okay. Then I had to tell my nephew, my son, my cousins, and the word spread throughout the reception. I took a deep breath, raised my glass, toasted my mom, put the smile back of my face, danced, kept the Chardonnay in my glass (no one drinks red on their wedding day) and kept going. At 6:15 AM PST, my dad called and said "I had to let her go." The deal was she could miss the wedding, not the rest of my life.

It has been a few months and I am happily married, but I am missing a huge part of my life. My mom was my best friend. Do not misunderstand, we did have a typical mother-daughter relationship, but she truly was the person I could talk to about anything. SHE was the person I would talk to. When you spend all day listening, you need someone YOU can talk to (and for the record, I am not a therapist but I have considered it) so I have decided that I should write and what good is writing unless you have someone to share it with. Lucky you! You get to read all of the shit that I would tell her.

Welcome to grief!

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